Family :: An Interview with My Grown-up Daughter

 

Instead of reading this mom’s memories and reflections on what it was like to raise my children, I thought you, dear readers, might be more interested in my grown up daughter’s perspective. So I worked up a few questions and sat down with my daughter Molly in what I told her was a “no holds barred” interview on growing up with me as her mom.

To be honest, I knew she liked me so it wasn’t much of a risk, but I was surprised at her favorite memories (some seemingly insignificant moments), and what were the most important ways I helped her get through her tough middle school years.

I hope my daughter’s insightful responses give you a glimpse into the minds of your own precious little girls…

What was it like growing up in our family?

Awesome!! Encouraging, imaginative, supportive, fun, and lots of love.

And what about me as your mom?

Well you’re fabulous, duh! But seriously, I feel like I’ve always had an exceptional role model in you. You follow where your heart takes you. You are communicative with Jonathan and I, and you’ve been our mother, friend, advocate, and biggest fan. Couldn’t have been better!

What are some of the things you remember fondly when you were little?

I remember listening to the Harry Potter books on tape with the whole family. I remember lots of music. I remember bed time stories (and you and dad reading the same ones over and over because those were the ones I wanted to hear over and over). I remember EPIC Halloween costumes and birthday parties (that I probably appreciate more now than I did then). I remember idolizing my big brother (didn’t matter that he has Aspergers Syndrome) and I remember a lot of stories and art and time spent together.

From the time you were little you had such a zest for life and you enjoyed socializing…what happened in middle school that made it so difficult for you?

I think that middle school is just a tough time for girls, particularly if you’re not interested in the same things as the majority. It’s the time where you’re just beginning to become self aware and trying to make decisions about who you are, but you’re still immature and very vulnerable to the opinions of others.

What I admire most about you during that time (and even now) is that you NEVER bent to peer pressure and did anything that was against your nature just to fit in. That must have been so hard…how did you do it?

I can’t honestly say. I was just never really interested in the things that everyone was doing, so I didn’t do it! I’m always encouraged by my family to love what I love, and be who I want to be. That was just a part of my upbringing. I never felt like I was doing anything exceptional, or like I was standing up for myself, in fact a lot of the times it was difficult and lonely. But I didn’t want to cheerlead, or worry about the drama of dating, or being in the right group of friends (and the list goes on). I wanted to do theatre, and write songs and stories, which were the things that made sense to me and always have. So I just did them. And I did find kindred spirits here and there, especially by doing theatre, which was encouraging.

Fortunately things got better in high school…I remember picking you up after your very first day, I think it was an orientation, and you walked to the parking lot arm and arm with two other girls! I was so happy…what made the difference?

A bigger school. That was a huge help. Being limited to the same 35 people K-8 was not easy.  Everyone knew your business, and if someone who was ‘popular’ didn’t get along with you or like you, no one did. Very strange social dynamics in middle school I’ve never understood… But anyways, everyone is starting over in high school, and everyone is slowly maturing. The oldest kids around are not eighth graders, but kids thinking about college and really forming themselves. And I was doing theatre, so I was interacting with kids of all ages; people who were unafraid to be passionate about things, and people who were self-proclaimed artists. In middle school, it was uncool to be an artist. In high school, everyone had different interests and you had more of an opportunity to find those people that shared your interests with you. More people, more activities and opportunities.

So through  all of that “growing up” time, I did what I could to support you. Can you share the strategies that really helped?

The biggest thing was listening. You always listened. I think there is a huge, long list of things that I could say to answer this question, but listening is SO important. Everything I had to say and all of my feelings mattered, no matter what they were. They were all heard and discussed. I wasn’t a child with unimportant things to say because I was just a child. I was a human being with very important words, stories, and feelings that needed to be heard, and I had you there always to listen to them. I think we need that when we’re kids. I think we need that when we’re teens, young adults, parents and grandparents. We always need that.

Now you are in your twenties and we are in a adult child-parent relationship! What’s that like for you?

It’s awesome because you’re still my mom and I can still count on you to be there for me, but now you can also count on me! And I get to learn so much about you as a human being and not just a parent, which is so enlightening because I carry so much of you in me. You’ve also experienced so much in your life that I can learn from!

What do you need most from me now?

I still need a listener and moral support. You know me better than I know me. And now that I’m navigating the big bad real world, I need a listener more than ever! And someone to encourage me onwards, especially when I don’t know exactly where onwards is taking me…

What would you rather I don’t do?

Um. Stop listening? Stop doing what you’re doing? I don’t know, I would feel overwhelmed with overbearing attention, or with someone trying to push me too hard in one direction, because there is so much I feel I need to discover about myself and my life that I can only do on my own.

If you had a chance to speak to moms of little girls (and you are by the way!), what would you say to them?

I think I would want to encourage moms to let their kids, girls and boys, be dreamers; let them dream big. I know it’s generally thought to be impractical and that it’s important to think realistically. But, in my opinion, just the opposite is true. I think it’s sensible to dream and imagine. It cultivates a spirit and drive that just won’t quit. If we are simultaneously aware of the realities of practical and responsible living as we grow up, I say what’s the harm in imagination and dreaming?

I was raised to dream, to imagine, and to create, and I was also raised to be responsible, to learn how to take care of myself, and to provide for myself. I say let kids aspire to the greatest of things and wonder at the possibilities of life; let them innovate and create and lead. If they want to paint or dance or sing or play soccer or join the debate team, then they should! Kids, teens, adults, all of us should always know that the possibilities for our lives are endless.

Thank you for sharing! I am so proud of who you are and I am so blessed to be your mother. 

Images by Allure West Studios

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