The Art of Caring: 7 Tips for Helping Others During a Difficult Time

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Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.

~ Vicki Harrison

I have wanted to write this post for awhile but it has been one I had a hard time writing because it is all still so painful. A few months back my father passed away at the age of 67 on the golf course (midswing no less) of a massive heart attack. The friends he was playing with tried to revive him and the golf course staff even brought out one of those heart machines to try to restart his heart. I will always remember the moment my husband told me and I can say it is one of the saddest days of my life. I adored my father and feel fortunate that I had such a fun and caring dad but ache so much for I didn’t have a chance to say goodbye. When someone you love is taken so suddenly, there is a long period of time that you are in shock that they are gone.

I am somewhat consoled that he was doing what he loves to do – golf – and was playing with some of his favorite golf buddies. My mother came out to stay with me from Colorado and we have helped each other these past few months. If you have lost someone close to you, you know what a strange journey the grieving process can be. Now that I have experienced such loss at this level there are some things I found to be really touching and helpful from friends and family members. I called this post The Art of Caring, because there really is an art to showing you care – even when you are uncomfortable or aren’t sure what to say. Here are seven ideas to show you care for someone who is in the process of grieving, whether it be the loss of a child, parent, grandparent, etc., or going through a difficult time in their life – such as battling breast cancer. Here is my list of things that will help a friend or family member in need:

1. Know that each person handles grief differently. We live in a society that is afraid of death and tends to shy away from talking about it. What you might consider to be a strange way of handling grief – crying all the time or not showing much emotion about it and pretending all is well – know that each person is doing their best to work through their loss. Just accepting their way of dealing with their grief and not offering judgement is a gift in-itself.

2. Contact them. This was something I found really strange, people I would have thought would have been on the phone with me the minute they found out about it, were strangely silent. Some very close friends didn’t contact me for over a month and even then it was through a text. Friends who were willing to talk about it and “go to the dark side” with me touched me so deeply because I know it can be uncomfortable. They were the ones who showed up with a card, or flowers or sent books on grieving or beautiful candles. I am not saying things have to be bought but a simple card to let them know you are thinking of them goes a long way. Or flowers from your garden that your kids help pick out. But making one call is not really suffice – if you really care about this person – let them know by sending little notes, or dropping off cookies (a wonderful friend did this last week and it made my heart sing). Make an effort for those you care about – it will mean the world to them.

3. Ask them how they are feeling. Sometimes people who have lost someone or are going through a hard time might not want to get into it. But by asking these simple words How Are You Doing? – shows that you are there and present to listen if they do in-fact want to talk about it. I have had friends smile and wave as they jog by with their kids in the stroller – not bothering to ask these simple words, even once. Or others who are happy talking about anything (the weather, kids growing up too fast, etc.,) but how I am doing or feeling. Of course I don’t mean asking every single time you see them, but I am talking about people who never asked that question once. Many people put their own feelings of discomfort ahead of asking this question. Though you might feel uncomfortable and not know what to say – just know that even asking how someone is doing demonstrates that you care – and that is really all this person needs at the time from you. There are no perfect words so don’t’ think you need to come up with just the right thing to say. Being present is enough.

4. Offer to make a meal or two. I had several friends bring over dinners and treats for us that first month. Let me tell you, my mother and I were like walking zombies and could barely cook an egg. Let’s just say our local restaurants got a lot of our business! Even now, I am just getting into making meals again. I found it easiest if they called and asked me what day would work best to bring over the meal. You can always freeze it if you don’t feel like eating that day. But having a home-cooked meal during that first couple weeks is really appreciated!

5. Offer to take the kids out. I had a friend take my daughter to school for a couple days that first week I was back. This was really helpful as I was having a hard time getting out of bed and getting her ready for school in time. Or offer to take the kids out for the day to give your friend some time off. Especially around a holiday that might be painful for them or a day that has a special meaning for them. They might need some time alone.

6. If you see they are down – offer to take them out for a coffee or treat. There have been a couple moms at school – all who have gone through this massive loss either with a parent, sibling or child – who asked me to coffee – anytime I wanted to just chat. I have still not taken them up on the offer, not quite there, but just them offering really made me feel loved. These simple acts of kindness are ones that you tend to remember as time goes on and you start living a new normal.

7. Be Yourself. Again, I want to say that I had several friends mention that they didn’t know what to say – most of them had not experienced this type of loss, but realize there are no “right” words. Just by demonstrating that you care, are thinking of them by doing these little things is all that they really need. It might be uncomfortable but know that it means a lot to your friend that you are hearing them and understand they are going through a painful and life-altering experience. That is what friends do – help bring some sunshine to our gardens – and something these gardens need more sun and watering than usual.

I hope some of these ideas will help you next time you have a friend or family member in need. I know that this life experience has brought more compassion and gentleness into my life and I really appreciate the friends who showed up. It has meant the world to me that they have provided some floaters to help me swim again.

My father and I at my wedding 12 years ago. He is loved and missed.