Relationships :: Let’s Talk Love.

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This is a good week to talk about being in love.

Romance is only one of several aspects of intimacy.  If the loss of romance has become a primary focus in a relationship, it is likely decoying you away from what is actually present.  Meaning, focusing in a narrow way on what is missing is a sure-fire way to not only condemn your connection, but to also kill whatever has replaced the romance.  Love encompasses so very much, just not all at once.  Romance may soften and give way to a reliability, a companionship that deepens intimacy through the little details.  If one partner is struggling in an area outside of the relationship, perhaps at a job or with a family member, companionship may give way to support, an increase in vulnerability between one another, or the challenge of how to allow oneself to be supported or to receive as much support while I offer it, for now.

It’s a gift to be in a relationship that helps you grow by challenging yourself.  Growth with another human being continuously reflecting you is one of the ultimate experiences, but can only be done if each individual is up to for the challenge.  Discontentedness  can signal a personal need to transform how you relate to the circumstance that troubles you.  This is a rule of life.  It is also a rule of thumb for relationships.

A great indicator of a strong relationship is not only being able to express your thoughts and feelings, but being able to make choices without excessive worry over how your partner will react.  In a love relationship that enhances one another, each person’s experience is validated.  There is no need to withhold information or to feel as if you can do this or can’t do that.  Do you feel that your choices, feelings, or reactions control the person that you are with?  This is probably the most common thing we see in therapy between family members or couples, the belief that You make me feel… Whenever statements like this are the focus, it suggests that the people involved aren’t entirely able to decipher their experience from the other’s. It is helpful to learn a new way of relating to your feelings:  You are an autonomous being.  Your feelings are yours.  No one can name your feelings for you.  If my focus is on your behavior instead of my feelings, than I have lost my power and cannot bring closeness in our love.  This is because I cannot be genuinely close to you if I am unable to be in authentic understanding of myself.

Couples that grow in love, that experience all the many aspects it can encompass as time goes on, are couples that remain individuals first.  You know that question you read in magazines, or hear from your girlfriends, Can you live without him (her)?  The answer needs to be yes.  Which brings up another misguided understanding of love, the idea that S/he is my everything.  People’s lives, whether newly dating or married for fifteen years,  are meant to be well-rounded.  In addition to shared interests, you and your love each need activities and connections that increase your vitality in life and add to your enjoyment.  Keep yourself engaged in activities separate from one another. Moms, having activities or commitments that do not involve your children is essential to you, your wellness as a whole being.  As well, be certain to make time, especially for couples with children, to enjoy and appreciate your common interests together, without the kids.  Both of these practices empower you to feel fulfilled separately and together, which increases the chances of you not taking your love for granted.

Finally, “All real love,” says Andrew Harvey, a favorite philosopher and writer of mine, “is divine, and divinely powerful and transformatory.”   I. Love. This.  I won’t claim to know what that huge word or concept, divine, actually means.  I do however incorporate the intention of love, in an active, heart-opened way, into my daily practice of living.  Simply put, there are two ways to approach our days.  From a place of love, or from a place of fear.  Just as a day approached with love can still be hugely challenging, meeting it with the soft and transforming radiance of an open heart–one that has chosen love–is rewarding by the time the day is done.  In this way, so can our relationships, including love with the right person, change and transform, embrace and renew through conflict, catapult through romantic intensity, and deepen through the challenge of vulnerability or the sameness of day to day.

Happy Valentines Day!  I wish us each a little more love.