PARENTING: It Takes a Village…of Good Listeners

I have started and restarted this piece three times.  I have talked with professionals.  I have made pages of notes and looked at it from a teacher’s perspective (I spent five years teaching high school). I also tried the political perspective and the psychological perspective.  The more perspectives that I try to see, the more I write and then I only end up with more unanswered questions.

Finally, I decided to scrap all of the other points of view and focus solely on the parents’ perspective.  My perspective.  I want to think about what I have done and will continue to do with my children.  My ultimate hope is that we, as parents, are all doing this.  We are the ones who are responsible for creating a generation of children who have positive self-image, who are compassionate and who are not afraid to stand up for what is right and to make the correct choices – even if, at times, they may be difficult.

In the wake of the Newtown shooting, a national conversation regarding gun control is making headlines through articles, appearances, campaigns (on both sides) and pending legislation. No matter what side of the gun debate that we may fall on or what side of the political spectrum that we align ourselves, there is one thing we do all have in common.  We all have a strong desire to protect our youth, our children and our future generations.

The gun violence debate is just one piece of a much larger picture that today’s generations face.  Bullying is another; peer and social pressures are another.  Technology, while having its benefits, is also another.  We live in a very fast paced 21^st century world.  We are connected…ALL THE TIME…TO EVERYONE.  Unfortunately, this virtual interconnectedness has dramatically decreased our ability to LISTEN to one another.  There is almost never anyone on the other side…in real time.  What happened to face-to-face interactions?

We, as parents, have a hard time unplugging ourselves from the constant stream of information and connection that is our world today.  We, as adults, sometimes (or all of the time) cannot put the smart phones down, cannot miss that last text, must answer just one more email or see one more picture posted.  Yet, we expect our children to have enough control to turn it all off and tune it out.

There have always been issues of violence, bullying and peer pressure as far back as we can remember.  Why do they feel different now?  The scale?  The pace?  The lack of a filter or time lapse of any kind?  Our hearts break to hear the stories of teen girls who put their pictures on YouTube to ask an anonymous world to rate their appearance.  We loose a piece of ourselves when a young boy commits suicide because he was bullied remotely…never seen face to face, yet always there.  We also mourn collectively when our babies are taken from us through inexplicable acts of violence.

As parents, it is our job and responsibility (the most wonderful, stressful, awesome job on the planet!) to help our daughters and sons wade through the unrelenting wave of emotion and hormones and independence that is growing up.  It is our job as teachers, coaches, caregivers and role models to do the same.  Here is Step One…LISTEN.  They are talking to us.  They do trust us.  They love us as much as we love them.  Much like us, they want to be heard as they navigate their world.  This world is very different from our version of that very same place.  It is frantic, frenetic, full of noise with constant and immediate interactions with everyone.

Ultimately, we need to guide our children and help them learn from the scenarios they may encounter.  We need to be “that voice inside their heads” when they wonder what to do next.  Our children need to know that boundaries and space are good words to know.  Our children need to realize that we care and are always listening.  Our children need to know that we will not judge them.  Our children need to know that their problems are not too small.  Our children need to know that their schools are safe, teachers and educators care about them, see them and HEAR them.  Our children need to know that WE HEAR THEM.  Lastly, our children must know that they need to SEE and HEAR EACH OTHER.  They need to feel compassion for their peers; they need the ability to put themselves in someone else’s shoes.  They need to know that, despite outward appearances, no one’s life is perfect. They are all so much more similar than they think.

All of this starts at home; in your homes and mine.  We need to be the examples; we are the teachers, counselors, police and, most of all, we need to be the good listeners.  Children learn by example.  When they come home from school, ask them how their day was and listen…really listen to what they say.

If we do this — this one small step of stopping to listen to our children then we can hope they will do the same.

Photo courtesy of Flickr: https://www.flickr.com/photos/59303791@N00/513153112/sizes/z/in/photostream/