Connecting With Your Spouse

Recently, my husband and I had a heart-to-heart talk about the good and not-so-good aspects of our 20 year plus relationship. We talked about where we want to be in five years, ten years and talked about growing old together, but in any relationship, there is always room for improvement!  I don’t think we are the only couple who let raising kids, work, being a good son or daughter, paying bills, and things that just happen in life, etc., , take precedence over what was most important to a healthy relationship which I believe starts by really listening to what each are saying and paying attention to each other’s needs.   I mean really listening and not just waiting for the other to finish talking so we could chime in and talk over each other.  Since our talk,  we have reconnected on a much more deeper level and feel that we are back in our dating stage – you know where you can’t wait to see each other and want to spend as much time together as possible.

I love this meme I found on Instagram as I think it offers some really great advice.  Treat each other like you did when you were first getting to know one another.  My husband and I have known each other and been friends since our high school days.  We started out as friends and our long friendship that has seen us through the good times and bad.   Here are some tips I hope will help you build and create the marriage you deserve!

5 Steps to a Healthy Relationship:

Read The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman.  This book was recommended to me by a friend and I have to say it is so eye-opening!  The author writes about how busy schedules and long days can make expressing your love for one another fall by the wayside.  Over 10 million copes have been sold and it is the go-to book to help transform your relationship.  The ideas are simple and very practical and talks about the importance of expressing your needs and hearing your partner clearly.  The concept behind the book is that each person has a specific love language and finding out what each partner needs, whether it be with positive daily affirmations,  acts of service (your husband emptying the dishwasher makes you fall in love with him all over again), receiving gifts, spending quality time together or the physical touch, will help empower you both. We all have a specific language (or two) that best fits our personalities.  Read the book to find out what your love language is!

Check out The Gottman Institute:    Dr. John Gottman has revolutionized the study of marriage. For nearly four decades he has conducted research on all facets of relationships, including parenting issues. At the Institute, in collaboration with Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, he developed an approach that not only supports and repairs troubled marriages and committed relationships, but strengthens happy ones.  This is a great resource for couples. You can find books, DVD’s and even a take-home Marriage Workshops you can purchase online.   They also have some apps you can download that makes keeping connected with your spouse (and kids) fun! Dr. Vagdevi Meunier, a certified Gottman Couples Therapist and a certified Gottman Work-shop Leader since 2006 wrote a great article and provides some great tips on keeping your marriage strong.

Spend More Quality Time Together:  Date night is definitely underrated don’t you think?  Be sure to carve out some time each week for just you two without the kids.  Take some walks together, head to your favorite movie theater or restaurant for some quality alone time.  Our family has been taking long walks by the beach and at our nearby park but my husband and I have been making time to do this together without our daughter so we can really focus on each other.  We’ve even made our walks part of our get-back-into shape routine and are using the Human App to keep us motivated and moving throughout the day.

Creating Intimacy:  To use a cooking analogy, sometimes chicken broth is great but sometimes you want to add some spice to it.  Like your dinner choices, you don’t eat the same thing everyday.  Why shouldn’t that apply to creating a healthy love life between you and your spouse.  The Gottman Institute offers a great resource for spicing things up and will help you and your partner communicate more effectively. And be sure to treat yourself (and your spouse in the process) to some pretty lingerie. But you don’t need to break the bank on this – I have found some great deals and gorgeous sleepwear (and such) at our local Marshall’s!  I am sure you can find such deals at your local retail shops. Look at your husband with fresh eyes and think back to when you were first dating or newly married.  Don’t be afraid to start dating your spouse again.

Take Time Out for You: Part of creating a healthy relationship is taking time out for yourself.  Carve time out each day and do the things you love to do.  When you come back with your family you will have more to give.  Get back to doing that things that make you happy and bring you peace.  My husband is getting back into surfing from taking a long hiatus from it and I am enjoying my daily walks with our dog.  These are things we use to do quite a bit but somehow got away from them.  Meet up with friends for lunch, take a nice walk or head down to your favorite spot at the beach – whatever brings you comfort and peace – do more of that!

What are ways you connect with your partner?